Friday, September 7, 2012

Remembering Gabriel

Four weeks ago
on August 10th at 5:40 in the morning
our lives changed forever. 

Our tiny baby boy, Gabriel Joshua, was born. 
He came several months too early and we knew from an ultrasound before that his heart no longer beat.
There are really no words to describe how terrible it is to lose a child.

Any woman who's been pregnant knows that the first trimester is precarious and that miscarriages are common, and everyone's seen preemie babies on TV on the March of Dimes commercials.

But what about the babies whose hearts just stop beating?

We were just to the "fun" part of pregnancy.  We knew Gabe was going to be a boy.  We had counted his little fingers and toes on an ultrasound, watched him wiggle around and cross his legs and cover his face with his hands.  Everything checked out fine and we had no reason to worry.

I was beginning to discover his personality -
he liked to curl up in a little baby ball on my right side...
he was always more active in the evenings...
when the girls were rough housing he'd be kicking away like he wanted to join them...
he'd always stop moving as soon as I told Earl he he knew...=)

And then one day he was just....gone.

Instead of carseats we had to learn all about "burial cradles".

Instead of seeing his name on the wall decal I had picked out, it's on his headstone.

It sucks.

All we have left of him is a tiny grave, a box full of photos and foot and hand prints, a stack of little blue clothes with their tags still attached, and broken hearts.

I can't even begin to understand why God chose us to carry this burden.  WHY?  Why our baby who was planned and wanted and loved??

It makes no sense.

But if I've learned one thing through this nightmare it's that perinatal loss happens far too often, to far too many people who desperately want their babies.

And it's not fair.

I have no doubt that Gabe is in Heaven and I'll see him again, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss him now.

I also know (in my head, at heart is another matter) that God has a purpose in this, that Gabriel's death was not an accident or a mistake, and that He has something else in store for us.

So please, please, continue to pray for us over these next few weeks...months...maybe even years.